Really...

Welcome. Welcome All!

Looking for a cheap and easy...

...way to post, i started poking around in my old writing file. I found this, with very little recollection of every writing it under the title of Ramblings. I know, scapegoat post. so sue me.

Does the degradation of the mind truly affect the decisions that history made for us by decoding the past into newsbytes that don’t digest well or are we all just blinded by those words which mean things, meanings stuffed with implications we will not comprehend until they own us already? Too late for you. They cast your lot.
“What?”
“Jesse. She said she can’t handle me anymore.”
“Did she say why?”

She looked around nervously at the interrogator. So many things came to mind, and yet all seemed unexplainable. The big issues festered around smaller matters that really shouldn’t matter but do. Small things amplified themselves in a coalesced olio that together, as a whole, brought all down. The big picture suddenly coming into focus, crisp, new, complete, not to be argued. The end. No more. Feelings felt stretched as words. Language inadequate. Expression abridged. Looks and tone saying more than meanings.

“No, she said she couldn’t explain it.”
“But it’s over.”
“Yes. Over. Done. Not still going.”
“And this time for real. No more make up break up.”
“No more.”
“Remember the twenty you still owe me.”
“I’ll take the same bet again, if you want.”
“So it’s really over.”
“Yes. Except…”
“What?”
“She could never say what she truly felt.”
“So?”
“Well, towards the end, before I left, she smiled.”
“And?”
“She smiled in a new way. A smile I hadn’t seen. A smile that meant something.”
“But you can’t explain it.”
“No.”

Memories. Blame the memories. Whole entire scenes brought back with skewed camera work, added feelings, fretful thoughts, twenty twenty foresight. No one could express them in entirety. My head is my head and his is his and his shall never be mine and I shall never be his. But saying goodbye, our last as more than one. The gate opens. Memory floods, gushes, takes over. And that kiss, that stupid first kiss that started it all, it remains. It hiders, it hurts, it open and closes. It breathes, a life of its own. It takes over when least expected and hides when most needed. It topples logic and order. And I still love him. Will always have him, etched, scarred—his name in heavenly ink upon my heart, branded. So it must end, and my subconscious has me all to myself again. And I lose that part of me which he once safeguarded.

“How’d he take it?”
“He’s a stoic.”
“That bad?”
“Monosyllabic.”
“Monosyllabic males meagerly manipulate mature mothers.”
They laugh.

And of course I smiled and said yes its for the best. That’s what you do. You suppress the volcano. You shield yourself from your self. Unplugged. Because it hurt. It hurts. The mind tires, it tries to wrap itself around truth and fails. Subjectivity peaks its head. Everything seen through your eyes. And all you can think about is not the starving children in upper Mongolia or the immenent destruciton of the entire world by nationalistic hatred, but the way she held your head and smoothed over your hair when you cried about Pete. The encompassing smile when she first beat you at

“I’m going back to talk to her.”
“Why?”
“I have to.”
“What will that do?”
“Stop talking in question marks.”
“Did you yourself not bet me this would not happen?”
“I can always owe you more money.”
“And you can always live in the past.”
“The future holds nothing for me alone.”
“How deep. It’s not her you really want, just someone.”
“So?”

It’s the right thing to do. You two will not work out. You’ve saved both of you, now each can find truer happiness elsewhere. And you can’t miss him. That will not do. Time to move on. Who knows, maybe a single’s life is really what I have been after all this time. No worries about anything not related to your self.

Well kiddies…

…its time to rap up some long needed posting on my time in mexico and henceforth.

Right before my departure my good friend from college Lauren stopped in town. She came the day before I left, so we could only meet up one night, which sucked, but its always good to fester in the nostalgia of collegiate days with a fellow comrade.

Lo, keep that side of the country running…

Once in mexico, my dog died. Yes, one of the few loves of my life,

Ebony and Ivory had to be put to sleep.

Not a fun day, but I decided to not look upon it in any sort of maudlin light. She lived a beautiful full life in a warm house that had everything she wanted. She brought years of happiness to all around her… She will be missed… But her time was cherished…

Look here’s the second girl I ever kissed…

Paulina Ugarte, at the movies, seeing, if I am not mistaken, Batman Returns.

Then it was xmas. Which means presents. Look, I wrapped them myself.

One for everybody, each with their own shitty little drawings.

And what always follows xmas at the stephens houseold? Why Luis Jo’s birth day, of course. Yes, I was born on Halloween, my older brother was born on xmas, my younger on fri. the thirteenth… how? Why? Who knows. The sister’s came close. Elder with D day.
Very exciting.

Then, I went up to my dad’s studio.

And took pictures of all his work. Some did not come out so well, but I like these two here. My dad with his mom and dad on each shoulder.

And his wife, my step mother Karen.

And here is his hulk soap.

Finally, I came back. On my two planes, I had a baby behind me.

And they cried like little babies, but they were cute. and i was cracked out.

New years, kerry looked like a vixen.

And the party at stew keith micah and paul’s place brought 2005 in wit’ a bang. You can never go wrong with Carlo. Right, Baum?

Paul, stop with the monkey business.

Here is the first picture of 2005, at the very first second of the year (I know I know, it was new years at every hour somewhere in the world).

This is the only picture i will ever take of keith

And finally, I saw these boots in the subway and I had to snap.

Bye. Fuck you all and the horses you slept with to get here.

Oh shit. Things are going to get crazy!

Happy fuckin' New Year!

I worked new years eve, day, and i will work later today, sunday. Fun Fun Fun.

Here's some colorful shit from ol' Mehico (there is the true phonetic spelling).

My favorite is the last one. Fountain Full of Stuffed Animals.

Oh, and if you missed my commercial, check it out. Bitches! Its any M'azing spot.